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Aimless thought at random targets

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(no subject) [Jan. 16th, 2012|09:16 am]
Aimless thought at random targets
Yes, I'm living the dream--a nightmare--if I'm sleeping or awake. I feel haunted by thoughts of a vengeful force that has taken aim at me... It doesn't care if I've earned this punishment or not, it only thirsts for pain. It wants to consume me. I can't run, I can't hide, and it won't be ignored.

I want to give in to it... but I fear what I may become.
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2012 "To Do List" [Jan. 1st, 2012|04:12 am]
Aimless thought at random targets
1.) Graduate from HFCC with honors
2.) Attend U of M Dearborn
3.) Buy a gas efficient car
4.) Quit Smoking
5.) Get an apartment
6.) Go on a real vacation out of state
7.) Work out until beast mode
8.) Run The Detroit Marathon
9.) Do some volunteer work
10.) Tattoos! (more than 1)
11.) Go to 20 Bars/Clubs I've never been before
12.) Watch 30 Movies I've never seen
13.) Read 5 books for fun
14.) Swim in the ocean
15.) go to 5 sporting events & concerts
16.) Buy 10 albums
17.) Be on TV
18.) Contribute an article to a magazine
19.) Take more pictures
20.) Buy myself something nice
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(no subject) [Oct. 25th, 2011|04:11 am]
Aimless thought at random targets
Once upon a time, I used to watch television and movies portray love as, "something that can happen to anyone": I now kindly offer my rebuttal.

*Ahem*

Fuck you and the horse you rode twenty cocks on, Hollywood.

Where are the stories for the one percentile like me? Where is the story of the boy who falls madly in love and gets his heart stomped on in front of all of his friends? Where is the story of the prince who takes princess on the horse ride at the end of the story; but she jumps off halfway before they reach the horizon? Maybe the princess decides to give him some lame excuse like, "I just don't think you're the one."

I'm just speaking in hypothetically, of course.

Starting over is a bitch, I turn 30 in three weeks. I can now chalk up almost 1/3 of my life to failed relationships.

This is the time I'm starting to think it really is all my fault--everything.The kick in the dick is that I see way more flawed relationships happen all around me, and those are the ones telling her what she should do! Maybe it's just because I'm a realist and she is an idealist. She believes that being liked by many is more important than being loved by few.

At this point all I can do is just let go. I'm done trying. The only way I ever commit again is if whomever treats me as a deserve to be treated. I need to be #1. I didn't have a problem doing it for her; so, I'm sure someone out there will be more than willing to do it for me.
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diagnosis unknown [Mar. 3rd, 2011|01:53 pm]
Aimless thought at random targets
My brain has hit carrying capacity and it feels the need to purge.

I think I just hit the age where you realize that you can't expect the people who you love will love you. What hurts even more is that you can't even expect them to do the right thing. What's hurts even more than those is that I figured out I can't depend on anyone for anything. I am alone. I have nothing close to anyone who looks out for my interests in even a meger fraction as I do them. I should just get in my truck and drive far, far away.

Then again, I would just run into the same exact thing I have here eventually. The problem isn't this place or the people... its me. I need to learn selfishness and lack of moral fiber.
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Fishing for sharks with a baseball bat. [Feb. 28th, 2011|03:37 am]
Aimless thought at random targets
The silence is deafening and the bed is cold. I think about you all the time. Your name rings in my ears every time someone asks about you and my cat keeps waiting on you to walk in the door. I can't believe I worked up the audacity to do this and now I must follow through... I must endure the pain and horror, fighting back vomit and tears thinking about worst case scenarios. Self medication isn't really a option anymore because it takes down these mental walls I put up to function. Maybe I truly am a glutton for punishment.

I take pictures down and put them back up. I'm pretty sure that the only thing I can do right is do things wrong anymore.

I'm fucking losing my mind,

I can't look anywhere in this goddamn room without being reminded of you. I even left your last message on the dry erase board for false hope. Praying that the words will still mean something sometime soon. 

I miss the small talk and the laughs, I miss my best friend.

I miss your smell and your lips.

I miss they way I feel when I'm with you, I miss my lover. I miss being the big spoon all the time.

I just want you to want to. sleeping pills are kicking in...
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(no subject) [May. 3rd, 2010|03:33 am]
Aimless thought at random targets
I fumble over words
I stagger over sentences
if you're paying attention you would know I'm down for the consequences

That's all i could get out without deleting.
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2009|10:21 pm]
Aimless thought at random targets
I'm to tired to block your jabs anymore.
Push me down, climb on top of me and whale on my face.
I'm serious! Fucking do it! Make your mark on me!
Make sure you get me really good this time... This is our goodbye.

Scream in my ears all you want, they can't hear you anymore.
Your ugly mouth has stopped saying things for them to hear long ago.

I want you to fuck my friends and burn my clothes...

Why? She is twice as pretty, three times as smart and four times the fuck you ever were.
I think you have a long ways to get even with me... I still win.
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(no subject) [Jun. 11th, 2009|02:39 am]
Aimless thought at random targets
Cfgvhbjn
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The love of my life. [Jun. 9th, 2009|04:58 am]
Aimless thought at random targets
Through a series of serendipitous actions here you are... In my arms again, where you belong. Even though you never knew it, you were always with me. Every song on the radio, every love story and every ideal dream scenario I've had since the day we met involved you. I used to mock destiny as a novel way to idealize the mere justification of caused events over coincidences. I am happily admitting that I was wrong.

You make me stronger, I feel like I can do anything when you are with me. Sometimes I ask the universe what astronomical deed did I do to deserve you... no answer is ever given. Then I start to think maybe it's not what I have done already, the greatest task I ever complete will be aided by the courage you give me.

I soak in each moment with you as it is my last moment alive, that's why I'm always smiling when I look at you... I want your face to be the last thing I ever see. That way if I were sent to heaven I could show God what I think was his perfect creation. If sent to hell I would snatch the tongue out of Satan's mouth if he ever spoke ill of you. If there is no afterlife the picture of your face would still be burned into my retinas for some time.

We are the ones whose souls will never be able to fully transgress until we can face the world together hand in hand. The star-crossed lovers of our time... Our Generation's version of Romeo and Juliet. The historians will never know, the story will likely never be passed down for generations and never to be archived. They will never know that for this Summer a perfect love will be achieved. This gravity between us love, this force that binds us is too strong to ignore.

Here I am for the taking, as I was and always will be. I was born to love you. For a second, a season, a year or a lifetime doesn't matter to me... I'm branded yours forever anyway.
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(no subject) [May. 10th, 2009|05:51 pm]
Aimless thought at random targets
Dear Mom,

In a world of infinite variables you have always been the constant in my life. We live in a world now that a lot of Mothers don't raise their children right anymore, I'm thankful I had you. You haven't had the easiest life, this I know... but you have always carried yourself with dignity, beauty and grace. You raised a son free of prejudices, an open mind, and a free spirit. The only fault that you ever had is that your heart is too big.

Here are some of the favorite memories in my life:

* Stopping at White castle after dropping off dad in the middle of the night at wolverine gasket and getting doughnuts.

* When you took me to get my ear pierced for the 12 year old all star baseball team.

* When you used to take me and Jason Vavro to skateland.

* Seeing you after running my senior year state CC meet.

* Riding with you and Grandma Shirley in the elevator at fairlane mall.

* The volcano cake you made for me at my birthday party.

I am forever thankful of you, and everything you have ever done for me.

I love you so much,
                Your Son
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